Parenting, Daughtering, Sistering

It is hard to be the oldest daughter of a disabled mother.


The hardest job in the world is being a parent.


Sometimes it is even hard being a sister.


I need prayers for my sanity. I found out this week that my mom's lung function is down to 18%. In 2006 she had 37%. She had been smoking last year too when she was near death in December. She was in ICU for 3 days. I called her lung specialist this week b/c my ex-aunt is near death with only 2 weeks to live with 13% of lung function. It scared me and made me realize that back in May I never asked what mom's percentage was when she had the lung function study repeated. The doctor just told us that it was significantly worse. My grandfather had just passed away so I never asked the percentage. I really think I would have lost it at that point to know. When I talked to her doctor's office this week the nurse told me and then said when mom comes in December that we might talk about putting her on hospice. I proceeded to tell her that mom was smoking again. My sister and I just discovered this. When I asked her why she was smoking she said it was stress, but that is untrue. When my grandfather passed away in April we moved her in with my biological sister since she has someone home a lot of the time and I work full-time. My sister does everything for her. She does her meals, baths, etc. I take mom to the doctor and fix her medicine weekly. She has no stress at my sister's house. The truth is that she is addicted to nicotine. She enjoys smoking. For a daughter, I don't get it. I can't see how she would want to die quicker. We know she isn't going to live a very long life, but we want her to get the most of what time she does have left. When the nurse mentioned hospice she didn't specify or speculate on the amount of time we are looking at. I don't think the doctor will in December or not, but we do know that if she smokes she can't make it long. She took Chantix, the smoking cessation pill about 3 months ago and did fabulous on it. When she was done with the 3 months she told me she didn't need it anymore, that she had no desires to smoke and I believed that she had totally quit. In fact, I am sure she did! Recently she started back. Needless to say I told her what the nurse had said (we have never kept anything from her and won't start now) and that she was going to go back on the Chantix, which she did. I hope it works again. I lost my grandmother 8 months before my grandfather and I can't bear to lose my mother.

Without going into details, I am also dealing with some issues with my daughter and my adopted sister. I am not going to go over it here but the two are mad at each other now. My head is filled with conflict, my heart is breaking. Over family, over parenting, over daughtering!!! I have asked many times over the past several weeks to please pray for me, but I am asking again. I feel so needy these days. I hardly ever even mention my own prayer concerns, but I think I need them again. I need to figure out the best way to have a relationship with all parties involved. I love my daughter. I love my mama. I love my sister.

Wendy